STORIES
Maya Lear Brewer
Maya Lear Brewer
We. Are. Family.
Maya Lear Brewer
Beep! Beep! Beep! This is a warning of the Family Emergency Broadcast System. We interrupt your happy unproblematic life to inform you that at anytime you may encounter a tsunami of catastrophic proportions. There is no season for tsunamis, particularly within the V. K. Driver family. If you ignore this warning, overwhelming misery and anguish may occur as you attempt to sort out what the hell happened!
These emotionally-charged waves are triggered by earthquakes or volcanoes beneath the relational floor when Mom’s expectations are unfulfilled. Such expectations are presumed knowledge and require careful anticipation.
Tsunamis cannot be predicted nor prevented.
Know Your Risks.
Rumination, combined with insomnia, will occur as you strive to uncover Mom’s dashed desires. She won’t talk to you. She’ll talk about you. But no one will divulge. Your overthinking will be wasted on speculations. Increased irritability towards your children, discord with your husband, and melancholy may flood your home as the rip currents of “not being good enough” pull you away from enjoying your life.
Exclusion from important family events, like your stepdad’s memorial service or Mom’s remarriage ceremony, are guaranteed. You will discover the missed occasions on Facebook. Rejection will happen as Mom’s silent treatment will lead to disownment of up to 2 years or longer. Emotional damage including anxiety, self-doubt, hopelessness, and depression is probable depending on the severity of the tsunami.
Prepare For Potential Impacts.
Please operate under the following procedures:
1. Teach your family to use past experiences as a guide for the future. Below are two examples:
a. Six-weeks of silence after your wedding reception.
Best solution: Never shame Mom. Don’t leave “her party” until she says so.
b. A two-year disownment after the birth of your first child.
Best solution: Mom comes first. She’s notified first, holds baby first and she’s
congratulated first. Don’t notify in-laws or friends until after Mom’s had her moments.
2. Avoid triggering Mom. Gauge her pulse. If she’s withdrawn or brooding greet politely then evacuate.
3. Bring Mom gifts for birthdays and Christmas even if she refuses to open her front door. (Leave gifts anyway.)
4. Make Mom the focus. Baby or Bridal Showers will be bliss only if her friends and Moscato are attending. She won't enjoy your friends or mother-in-law or Merlot.
5. Mom knows best. Don’t tell her your wishes regarding your wedding, labor and delivery, or raising your children. Your desires must match hers, especially the ones she hasn't told you about.
When Tsunami Warnings Are In Effect:
If a violation of items one through five occurs or you forget your role as the child to call Mom first, a tsunami is probable. The following sequence of events will occur:
1. Mom will stop hitting Like on your Facebook posts. This is unusual because she feels lavishly connected to you through social media.
2. Mom will chastise you telepathically by posting a barrage of memes about honoring parents, family love, and the ever notorious "Actions speak louder than words.”
3. Mom won’t respond to texts, messenger, or phone calls if you're not in her good graces. But this isn’t clear evidence of danger because she could suddenly respond with a request for you to drive her to a relative who lives two hours away.
4. If after repeated attempts at reaching Mom fail, you can stop by her house. It’s just two miles away. Bring a family member as back up. If she avoids eye contact, but looks and smiles at the person beside you, your relational footing has shifted. An eruption has already occurred. However, not all eruptions cause a tsunami. Use extreme caution.
5. Be Alert. If your back up leaves you alone with Mom, she may roar and depart before you can respond. Then the sirens will blare. You won’t have much time. Grab your back up. Run for the high ground as the water recedes. Those once happy memories with your mother and family will rise into a 100-foot wave to obliterate your fragile relationship again.
Recovery Efforts:
Please note: You and your family will experience displacement and rejection. Your sense of identity will feel shattered and unrecoverable. Rebuilding takes time and strategic procedures. Recovery efforts do not work unless you remain in the vulnerable lowlands of silencing your
voice and internalizing your pain.
Another Note: Invitations are also required…
Your younger sister, Mom’s favorite daughter and the “middle man,” will eventually call, to invite you to adopt the philosophy: “It’s Mom';s way or no way.” And she’ll add, it’s the “Indonesian way.” If implemented, you’ll agree to own all wrong-doing or pretend like nothing happened. It works temporarily; however, tsunamis can occur with multiple waves.
Oma, Mom’s mother, will invite you to a private conversation. She’ll say Mom is too emotional; she’s not acting as her true self, and to give Mom time to grow up. Oma will acknowledge you have the “bigger heart.” She’ll instruct you to be the adult in your mother/daughter relationship. You’ll tell Oma you want to permanently evacuate but she’ll say it isn’t right. Oma will remind you that you’ve hurt Mom too. You’ll feel shamed. You won’t evacuate the fault line of hope because you’re still blindly grasping to earn Mom’s love. Mom will not acknowledge the offense. Instead, she’ll invite you to drive Oma and her to the Asian Supermarket across town. You’ll agree to the plan because suddenly everything’s been restored.
Attention:
You cannot predict where, when or how destructive the next tsunami will be. Effective preparation may minimize your risks. However; recurring catastrophes may force you to consider why you’re still giving a shit. Relocation to safer, healthier relationships may be the best solution until further notice. The Family Emergency Broadcast System in conjunction with therapists in your region have provided this vital information to protect you and your family in the event of a tsunami. This concludes this warning of the Family Emergency Broadcast System.
Artist's Statement
As a first generation Dutch-Indonesian American daughter, I find that my mother and I have a difficult relationship. I am not the "Asian" daughter she expected, nor is she the "All-American-apple pie" mother I expected. Navigating our tumultuous relationship has taken a mental toll on both of us. I chose the symbol of the tsunami because these occur in my mother's homeland of Indonesia. The tsunami reminds me of our relationship where things can seem smooth as the sea until an unseen earthquake (an unexpected offense) occurs. Then our relationship recedes into the "no talking/no-acknowledgment zone" until all the good and bad pieces of our relationship come crashing down--causing us to have to keep rebuilding. I hope by sharing this piece that others may see that we're not alone in our family struggles.
Maya Lear Brewer
Beep! Beep! Beep! This is a warning of the Family Emergency Broadcast System. We interrupt your happy unproblematic life to inform you that at anytime you may encounter a tsunami of catastrophic proportions. There is no season for tsunamis, particularly within the V. K. Driver family. If you ignore this warning, overwhelming misery and anguish may occur as you attempt to sort out what the hell happened!
These emotionally-charged waves are triggered by earthquakes or volcanoes beneath the relational floor when Mom’s expectations are unfulfilled. Such expectations are presumed knowledge and require careful anticipation.
Tsunamis cannot be predicted nor prevented.
Know Your Risks.
Rumination, combined with insomnia, will occur as you strive to uncover Mom’s dashed desires. She won’t talk to you. She’ll talk about you. But no one will divulge. Your overthinking will be wasted on speculations. Increased irritability towards your children, discord with your husband, and melancholy may flood your home as the rip currents of “not being good enough” pull you away from enjoying your life.
Exclusion from important family events, like your stepdad’s memorial service or Mom’s remarriage ceremony, are guaranteed. You will discover the missed occasions on Facebook. Rejection will happen as Mom’s silent treatment will lead to disownment of up to 2 years or longer. Emotional damage including anxiety, self-doubt, hopelessness, and depression is probable depending on the severity of the tsunami.
Prepare For Potential Impacts.
Please operate under the following procedures:
1. Teach your family to use past experiences as a guide for the future. Below are two examples:
a. Six-weeks of silence after your wedding reception.
Best solution: Never shame Mom. Don’t leave “her party” until she says so.
b. A two-year disownment after the birth of your first child.
Best solution: Mom comes first. She’s notified first, holds baby first and she’s
congratulated first. Don’t notify in-laws or friends until after Mom’s had her moments.
2. Avoid triggering Mom. Gauge her pulse. If she’s withdrawn or brooding greet politely then evacuate.
3. Bring Mom gifts for birthdays and Christmas even if she refuses to open her front door. (Leave gifts anyway.)
4. Make Mom the focus. Baby or Bridal Showers will be bliss only if her friends and Moscato are attending. She won't enjoy your friends or mother-in-law or Merlot.
5. Mom knows best. Don’t tell her your wishes regarding your wedding, labor and delivery, or raising your children. Your desires must match hers, especially the ones she hasn't told you about.
When Tsunami Warnings Are In Effect:
If a violation of items one through five occurs or you forget your role as the child to call Mom first, a tsunami is probable. The following sequence of events will occur:
1. Mom will stop hitting Like on your Facebook posts. This is unusual because she feels lavishly connected to you through social media.
2. Mom will chastise you telepathically by posting a barrage of memes about honoring parents, family love, and the ever notorious "Actions speak louder than words.”
3. Mom won’t respond to texts, messenger, or phone calls if you're not in her good graces. But this isn’t clear evidence of danger because she could suddenly respond with a request for you to drive her to a relative who lives two hours away.
4. If after repeated attempts at reaching Mom fail, you can stop by her house. It’s just two miles away. Bring a family member as back up. If she avoids eye contact, but looks and smiles at the person beside you, your relational footing has shifted. An eruption has already occurred. However, not all eruptions cause a tsunami. Use extreme caution.
5. Be Alert. If your back up leaves you alone with Mom, she may roar and depart before you can respond. Then the sirens will blare. You won’t have much time. Grab your back up. Run for the high ground as the water recedes. Those once happy memories with your mother and family will rise into a 100-foot wave to obliterate your fragile relationship again.
Recovery Efforts:
Please note: You and your family will experience displacement and rejection. Your sense of identity will feel shattered and unrecoverable. Rebuilding takes time and strategic procedures. Recovery efforts do not work unless you remain in the vulnerable lowlands of silencing your
voice and internalizing your pain.
Another Note: Invitations are also required…
Your younger sister, Mom’s favorite daughter and the “middle man,” will eventually call, to invite you to adopt the philosophy: “It’s Mom';s way or no way.” And she’ll add, it’s the “Indonesian way.” If implemented, you’ll agree to own all wrong-doing or pretend like nothing happened. It works temporarily; however, tsunamis can occur with multiple waves.
Oma, Mom’s mother, will invite you to a private conversation. She’ll say Mom is too emotional; she’s not acting as her true self, and to give Mom time to grow up. Oma will acknowledge you have the “bigger heart.” She’ll instruct you to be the adult in your mother/daughter relationship. You’ll tell Oma you want to permanently evacuate but she’ll say it isn’t right. Oma will remind you that you’ve hurt Mom too. You’ll feel shamed. You won’t evacuate the fault line of hope because you’re still blindly grasping to earn Mom’s love. Mom will not acknowledge the offense. Instead, she’ll invite you to drive Oma and her to the Asian Supermarket across town. You’ll agree to the plan because suddenly everything’s been restored.
Attention:
You cannot predict where, when or how destructive the next tsunami will be. Effective preparation may minimize your risks. However; recurring catastrophes may force you to consider why you’re still giving a shit. Relocation to safer, healthier relationships may be the best solution until further notice. The Family Emergency Broadcast System in conjunction with therapists in your region have provided this vital information to protect you and your family in the event of a tsunami. This concludes this warning of the Family Emergency Broadcast System.
Artist's Statement
As a first generation Dutch-Indonesian American daughter, I find that my mother and I have a difficult relationship. I am not the "Asian" daughter she expected, nor is she the "All-American-apple pie" mother I expected. Navigating our tumultuous relationship has taken a mental toll on both of us. I chose the symbol of the tsunami because these occur in my mother's homeland of Indonesia. The tsunami reminds me of our relationship where things can seem smooth as the sea until an unseen earthquake (an unexpected offense) occurs. Then our relationship recedes into the "no talking/no-acknowledgment zone" until all the good and bad pieces of our relationship come crashing down--causing us to have to keep rebuilding. I hope by sharing this piece that others may see that we're not alone in our family struggles.