EDITOR'S STATEMENT
by Sanya Gupta, Social Media Director
by Sanya Gupta, Social Media Director
During a late night call where all of us staff were either tired, ill, or a strange combination of the two, we spat out a random array of words that could fit the essence of October. From bloom to paradox to metamorphosis, we struggled to come up with something that truly encompasses what October meant to us. At one point I typed “~inktober~ but not ~inktober~” into our meeting doc resulting in an outburst of laughter. It’s Real strives to move away from more general themes to provide our contributors with a unique way to present their works. In the end, someone came up with "hollow," and though we did not love it, it soon began to grow on us.
If any of you know anything about me, then you know that I find it quite difficult to open up to people and am quite emotionally unintelligent (my EQ is 57 if any of you were curious). Thus, any time I write something like this, I find myself carefully considering my words as to not say something that would tell one too much about me or simply show too much vulnerability. As such, my contributions to this magazine are usually confined to our social media accounts. However, looking at the word hollow, I wondered if I could possibly contribute something of relevance that other people might actually resonate with. So, I gathered every ounce of courage I possessed and messaged Ana asking if I could write the Editor’s Statement for this month and she responded with an enthusiastic “absolutely.” Okay, so here is my take on this month’s theme and what it has to do with mental health, ASAM communities, etc.
At the surface, if something is hollow, it has a hole or empty space. The idea of a person being or feeling hollow seems so very abstract that I would never have considered it to be possible. But life isn’t easy. And this year gave me some insight into how very possible it is. For me, being hollow was being an empty shell of a person set on auto-survival. It felt like nothing mattered. It felt like the world was picking itself up and running ahead, leaving my heap of a person behind. Simply put, it felt awful. Because being hollow isn’t something where your knight in shining armor comes in, picking you up filling your person with rainbows and sparkles. It’s living every day with that dark storm cloud above you. It’s pushing on until you can find the sunlight peeking through the storm-clouds.
On the flip side but, unfortunately, equally as devastatingly, hollow also describes something without significance. This aspect of the word completely deteriorates my sense of self. Because I have no right to feel hollow. I have no right to feel insignificant. But, I do feel insignificant. I feel absolutely worthless, like I can never live up to the world’s expectations of me. I feel like I don’t look the right way and that I don’t have any worth because of that. I used to feel like the only way to please that “monster” residing in me was to hurt myself. I used to love the way the blood looked running down my arms and thighs. But that doesn’t make sense. My parents care about me, I have a good education, so as an acquaintance never fails to tell me, I’m “lucky.” Therefore, how could I ever say that I felt hollow? How could I ever say that my very presence leaves me flummoxed? Most of all, how could I ever say I felt insignificant?
As is hopefully apparent by now, the word hollow is one that I feel closely acquainted with. The anxiety and self-depreciation that I have experienced all circle around the feeling of emptiness and, if I’m honest, I have yet to find a way to fill this void. So yeah, it’s a bit hard, but I feel like that’s what life is. It’s quite difficult, and, unfortunately, from what I have heard, it gets more difficult. If nothing else, I hope this jigsaw puzzle of a statement helped you open up to at the very least yourself about the hollowness in your own life. Thank for your continued support, I cannot believe it has been ten months. What more, I can’t believe it’s almost 2020… isn’t that something?
Once again, thank you so much for your support. It’s Real could not be what it is without each and every one of you. Take care and happy reading!
Much love and appreciation,
Sanya <3
If any of you know anything about me, then you know that I find it quite difficult to open up to people and am quite emotionally unintelligent (my EQ is 57 if any of you were curious). Thus, any time I write something like this, I find myself carefully considering my words as to not say something that would tell one too much about me or simply show too much vulnerability. As such, my contributions to this magazine are usually confined to our social media accounts. However, looking at the word hollow, I wondered if I could possibly contribute something of relevance that other people might actually resonate with. So, I gathered every ounce of courage I possessed and messaged Ana asking if I could write the Editor’s Statement for this month and she responded with an enthusiastic “absolutely.” Okay, so here is my take on this month’s theme and what it has to do with mental health, ASAM communities, etc.
At the surface, if something is hollow, it has a hole or empty space. The idea of a person being or feeling hollow seems so very abstract that I would never have considered it to be possible. But life isn’t easy. And this year gave me some insight into how very possible it is. For me, being hollow was being an empty shell of a person set on auto-survival. It felt like nothing mattered. It felt like the world was picking itself up and running ahead, leaving my heap of a person behind. Simply put, it felt awful. Because being hollow isn’t something where your knight in shining armor comes in, picking you up filling your person with rainbows and sparkles. It’s living every day with that dark storm cloud above you. It’s pushing on until you can find the sunlight peeking through the storm-clouds.
On the flip side but, unfortunately, equally as devastatingly, hollow also describes something without significance. This aspect of the word completely deteriorates my sense of self. Because I have no right to feel hollow. I have no right to feel insignificant. But, I do feel insignificant. I feel absolutely worthless, like I can never live up to the world’s expectations of me. I feel like I don’t look the right way and that I don’t have any worth because of that. I used to feel like the only way to please that “monster” residing in me was to hurt myself. I used to love the way the blood looked running down my arms and thighs. But that doesn’t make sense. My parents care about me, I have a good education, so as an acquaintance never fails to tell me, I’m “lucky.” Therefore, how could I ever say that I felt hollow? How could I ever say that my very presence leaves me flummoxed? Most of all, how could I ever say I felt insignificant?
As is hopefully apparent by now, the word hollow is one that I feel closely acquainted with. The anxiety and self-depreciation that I have experienced all circle around the feeling of emptiness and, if I’m honest, I have yet to find a way to fill this void. So yeah, it’s a bit hard, but I feel like that’s what life is. It’s quite difficult, and, unfortunately, from what I have heard, it gets more difficult. If nothing else, I hope this jigsaw puzzle of a statement helped you open up to at the very least yourself about the hollowness in your own life. Thank for your continued support, I cannot believe it has been ten months. What more, I can’t believe it’s almost 2020… isn’t that something?
Once again, thank you so much for your support. It’s Real could not be what it is without each and every one of you. Take care and happy reading!
Much love and appreciation,
Sanya <3