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    • Issue 11 - Hunger
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Blog Posts

A Cross-Cultural Yin-Yang: Asian Parenting in the Twenty-First Century
Ana Chen
​

I.    Introduction

“Happy and healthy,” Mama told me last September. We had just sat down for a dinner at a Michelin-star restaurant in New York; I was grimacing at our plate of ornate seaweed. Mama had been prodding me to eat it; it was supposedly good for me. “That’s all I want for you two.”

“And Harvard,” my brother joked. “That’s the third H.”

My brother and I were both surprised at how much the joke upset my mother – later that night, she approached me as I was wondering how the cooks had prepared algae so deliciously.

“Do you really think I care that much about a name-brand college?” she said. “Everything Baba and I have done for you – all we want in return is for you to work your hardest, to do something that brings you health and happiness.”

She would repeat her words many times afterwards; in the last few years, my mom has grown increasingly aware of the issue of mental health. I had always thought of my parents – who were relaxed but firmly supportive of my schoolwork and extracurricular activities – as anomalies, lucky exceptions to the typical Asian American tiger parent. But to what extent is this stereotype true?

I decided to investigate intergenerational relationships in Asian American communities, specifically between immigrants and the first generation of Asian children born in the United States (otherwise known as first generations). I recently interviewed eight parent-children duos of varying ethnicities (Mandarin Chinese, Cantonese, Thai, and Indian) to gain insight into the complex nature of Asian American parenting and its pertinence to mental health. Most of the children are between the ages of sixteen and seventeen, and all the participants live in Seattle.

A disclaimer: I do not mean to comment on all Asian parents, nor do I mean to compare Asian parents with those of other cultures. This interview is to be taken as a glance into the multifaceted nature of Asian parenting, a deeply complex and nuanced subject.


II.     Interviews

I emailed a three-part questionnaire to the participants of the survey, most of who chose to remain anonymous. The younger generation was asked to complete the first part of the survey, the older generation the second (the two would not show their parts of their surveys to each other). Together, the parent and child would complete the third.

Although most of the parents who were willing to be interviewed are relatively more liberal with their parenting styles than typical Asian American families, most children still cited their parents as a major source of pressure.

“[My mom] trusts my ability to manage my schoolwork for the most part, but definitely has high expectations for my athletic career,” says Maya Ming. I used a pseudonym for her, as well as the other participants who chose to remain anonymous. “Tension arises [between us] when I feel she takes my work for granted or thinks I am not working hard enough.”

To quantify this pressure, I asked children to rate the amount of pressure they feel from their parents in all areas of their lives – whether indirect or direct – on a scale from 1 to 10. I also asked parents to rate how much pressure they believe they put on their children. I predicted that children would report a higher average score than parents, but the results surprised me.

The numbers reported by the children ranged from 3 to 8, with an average of 5.5. The numbers reported by the parents ranged from 2 to 7, with an average of 5.3.

So, what accounts for this similarity in scores? The parents I interviewed are fully aware of their expectations for their children. Likewise, their children reciprocate by understanding and striving to meet these expectations.

But Avani, a seventeen-year-old from Seattle, addresses the interplay between sibling order and parental expectations. “My [younger] sister has been the focus of my parents’ attention since she was born,” she says. “[They] tend to leave me alone.”

Although I hesitate to generalize family or sibling dynamics, I have observed two (extremely general) patterns among younger siblings. First: parents typically treat them more liberally, before tightening their standards and expectations. Second: younger siblings themselves follow more liberal mindsets, more willing to challenge the hierarchy espoused in traditional Asian households.

So what does this say about Asian parents? They are, as a whole, sensitive and responsive to the individual needs of their children. Naturally, upon realizing their shortcomings in parenting their first child, they adapt to the second. I witnessed this in my own family – Ms. Ming (Maya’s mother, anonymous), and Manjari (Avani’s mother), also support this.

“You must individualize what you teach to your kids,” Ms. Ming says. “Everyone is different and grows as a person differently.”

“How much pressure you place on a child depends on their individual personality,” Manjari agrees.

This sensitivity is echoed in Asian parents’ dedication as well. All the children I interviewed agreed on their appreciation for their parents’ constant support in their afterschool activities. “The grip [my mother] has over my choices chafes a lot,” Maya says. “Yet, I am eternally grateful for the immense amount of support she has given me in pursuing my athletic and academic goals. I would not be where I am without her.”

As a child, I used to ice skate, and my mother would often awaken at four in the morning to cook breakfast and drive me to the ice rink. During my teenage years, she would spend hours in traffic for my afterschool activities. In response, I constantly felt pressure from both her and myself to do well in and outside school – given the amount of time and energy she dedicated to me, making the most out of her sacrifices seemed like the bare minimum I could do to thank her.

This complex duality of intergenerational friction and support can be ascribed to another common finding in my interviewees’ responses: the parents who participated all emphasized economic stability as a requirement for success.

“I think success is how much money you make in the future,” says Mr. Bing (anonymous), one of the parents I interviewed, “as long as you have family.”

But Mr. Bing’s approach to ensuring this success is markedly different from Ms. Ming (Maya’s mother)’s. While Maya cites her mother’s rigorous expectations and involvement in her academic and athletic career as a main source of pressure, Billy, Mr. Bing’s son, states that his childhood and adolescence are relatively free from parental restrictions. “My dad is pretty lax...and I have a lot of freedom compared to some other teenagers,” Billy says. He rates the amount of pressure he receives from his father as a 4 out of 10.

“Parents...should give their children more freedom so they are more prepared for the outside world when they have to be independent,” says Mr. Bing.

Mr. Cai (anonymous), agrees. “I don’t think parents should push too hard on specific activities without considering kids’ preferences and personalities,” he says. “Kids will need to run their own lives sooner or later.”

So, in essence, Asian parents aim for their children to live fulfilling and secure lives, although their methods for reaching that end are drastically different. And the children I interviewed understand this: generally, despite acknowledging problems in communication and conflict resolution, most believe they can emphasize and converse clearly with their parents.

Similar to my process with parental pressure, I asked children to score their perceived effectiveness of their communication with their parents on a scale of 1 to 10. The scores ranged from 6 to 9.5, with an average of 7.25. I asked parents the same question, receiving a range of scores from 8 to 10, with an average of 8.7. Although there is a larger discrepancy between parents’ and children’s scores for communication than for parental pressure, both parties acknowledged the necessity of openness in communication and their appreciation for each other’s empathy and support.

As I compiled the communication scores for parents and children, I noticed another trend. In general, the score parents and children give to their level of communication increases with their involvement or awareness of native culture. Parents and children who emphasize cultural activities such as cooking traditional dishes, participating in cultural festivals or holidays, or talking in their native tongue report higher effectiveness and frequency of communication. Again, although I do not wish to generalize, I believe language in particular plays a major role in increased empathy.

My brother and I are an example of this phenomenon. I, who actively seek to reconnect with my Chinese heritage, am also more willing to talk with my parents. My brother, who does not seek the same, finds communication more difficult. However, a plethora of other factors influence this trend, which I seek to explore more in the future.


III.    Endnotes

As stated, intergenerational relationships are a complex topic; this interview merely touches on a subject that extends deeply into cultural and personal experiences. But this interview encompasses a facet of the Asian American experience: the growth of the Asian American community on political, social, and cultural fronts.

Studying the nuances in Asian parenting has opened my eyes to the enormity of the progress Asian Americans have made and the equal enormity of the sacrifices behind this progress. The stereotype of the Tiger Parent, while not altogether unfounded, is an unfair generalization of the nuances, dedication, and love that mark many intergenerational Asian relationships.

Like a self-fulfilling prophecy, the Tiger Parent stereotype could unknowingly suppress discussion on the issue of mental health – children who are likelier to view their parents as insensitive to their needs and concerns could misdiagnose, refuse to diagnose, or dangerously jump to conclusions on mental health issues. And while the older generation of Asian Americans also bears responsability for encouraging discussion along these topics, dismantling the stereotypes surrounding Asian American parenting is a crucial first step for both crossgenerational and crosscultural communication.

Per Avani’s words, the media portrays the Asian parent-child dynamic “as a cruel relationship rather than a protective and caring role.... I don’t think [my parents] are ever completely emotionally absent from [my] life.”

And despite the differences between my interviewees and me, we agree to considerable extents.


Ana Chen is a junior at Interlake High School in Seattle, Washington. She has recently begun exploring ethnic and cultural journalism.

Inclusivity in Media
Ronit Jain
​
It seems that media representation has been all the buzz recently–and for good reason. ‘Inclusivity’ is a hot topic in Hollywood as more and more films are making a conscious effort to tell the stories of a wide spectrum of people. But why exactly is this media representation so important and how can we take strides towards that elusive media diversity?

Subconsciously, we often place ourselves in the shoes of protagonists in films to whom we can relate. Stories told from the perspective of the heterosexual, archetypical white male–which have largely dominated the film narrative–fail to accurately portray the stories of a wider audience. Moreover, one-sided, flat films with little character diversity often marginalize minority populations and their stories while giving precedence to the white-dominated narrative. Negative portrayals of a certain demographic can transcend the movie screen and translate to public image. It is so important that everyone, regardless of race, identity, or sexual orientation, can find their superhero on-screen and can imagine themselves in that character’s role. Because, after all, films are not only serve as reflections of our reality but also decisively shape that reality and, as such, carry a responsibility to tell everyone’s stories.

The solution to this diversity crisis? Encouraging directors and screenwriters to tell stories that feature minorities in a non-stereotypical way. However, these characters should be three-dimensional and not singularly defined by any one component of their identity, such as their race, sexuality, etc. In particular, films seeking to include minority groups simply for the sake of representation or in exotic roles are undermining the true idea of inclusivity. Rather, minority groups should be featured more and more as a natural consequence of the shifting, diverse nature of the stories told by filmmakers.


Ronit Jain is a junior at Interlake High School in Seattle, Washington. He has been recognized internationally and nationally for his activities in biology and environmental studies, and is interested in exploring pressing societal issues.

Podcast Episodes on Depression
​
By Jing Jing Wang, Michelle Zuo, and Anonymous

My mom, a family friend, and I recorded these podcast episodes a bit over a year ago, in January of 2018. She had been shocked when I openly talked about my interest in psychology partly being due to my own experiences with mental illness. With the lack of conversation surrounding mental health in the Chinese American community and the shame around admitting that you or your family is struggling, my transparency regarding my struggles took her by surprise.
 
My situation and goals have changed, but I still largely stand by what I said. With limited time (and limited Chinese skills), these two episodes are just a shallow skim of my experience with major depressive disorder and my opinions on how Chinese American parents, and parents in general, can help their kids that struggle with depression. We touch on academic pressure, Chinese American parents’ automatic reactions to depression, perfectionism, tunnel vision, medication, proper parent child communication, school support, therapy, the perspective of a Chinese American parent of a child with depression, saving face, and more. I have continued holding these conversations with those around me and advocating on the topic of mental health. Joining the It’s Real team is just another way that I am working to help address mental illness, especially in the Asian American community.
 
I want to take a moment to thank my mother for her support, understanding, and willingness to participate. She has been invaluable as a bridge between me, a seventeen year old ABC (American Born Chinese), and first generation Chinese American parents. Her perspective as a parent of a child with depression who works closely with them to help support and push them is invaluable. Parent’s can be incredibly influential on a child’s mental health and I am grateful for her willingness to share her advice.

​Total track time 57:51.
 
And a last note, currently the episodes are only available in Mandarin Chinese, but in the future we will see if we have the time and resources to provide a transcription and/or translation.


Podcast Title: 听 Michelle 讲述美国故事 (Listening to Michelle Tell the American Story)
https://www.ximalaya.com/renwen/7129694/6695052
​Chinese Description
最近我去朋友家做客,与朋友的孩子晶晶聊天时,我问她准备申请什么样的大学和专业,她说想学和心理健康有关的专业,并且现在已经在课外做了很多青少年抑郁症方面的分享,来帮助学生和家长们普及这方面的知识。这让我很吃惊,这才知道这个花季少女居然得了抑郁症。不过现在她已经大有好转,很振作了,并且知道自己追求的目标是什么。这次聊天一下子把抑郁症这个问题第一次拉到我面前,而且这么近。
​
我从来没有想到自己看着长大的这个朋友家的孩子会有这个病,也从来没有想过自己的孩子有没有可能会有抑郁症。可能很多家长也都没想过这个问题。不过抑郁症以前离我们也并不是特别遥远。以前以为这些名人或者艺人容易得这种病,后来以为中国来到美国的留学生不适应美国的学习和生活才会得这种病,这一次,面对着这个在我眼中一直是乐观开朗的女孩,是个ABC(American Born Chinese)美国出生长大的孩子,我一下子被敲了个警钟。于是我去网上查了一下资料,让我看到了一组心惊胆跳的数字。根据世界卫生组织统计,全世界抑郁症患者达3.5亿人,而仅仅在中国,已经有近1亿患者,每年有20多万人因为抑郁症而自杀,而且有年轻化的趋势. 预计到2020年,抑郁症可能成为全球人类第二大疾病。 所以,我和晶晶及她的妈妈一起录制了这个访谈。希望让更多的孩子 和家长能够扫扫盲,了解抑郁症的症状以及应对方法,帮助孩子早日认识并摆脱这种疾病的缠绕。下一期,我们将重点聊聊怎样治疗抑郁症,家长、孩子、专家、朋友都分别能做些什么。希望能对您有所帮助。期待下期与您再见!

English Description
Recently, when I went to a friend's house and chatted with my friend's child, Jingjing, I asked them what kind of university and major they were going to apply for. They said that they wanted to study a major related to mental health, and that they have done a lot of advocacy about teenage depression outside the classroom to help students and parents gain knowledge in this area. This surprised me, finding out that this flower season child actually got depression. But now they have improved a lot, is very excited, and knows what their goal is. This chat suddenly brought the problem of depression to my attention for the first time, and it was so close to home.

I never thought that the child of my friend, who grew up under my watch, would have this disease, and never thought about whether my child might have depression. Maybe many parents have never thought about this problem. But depression has never been particularly far away from us before. I used to think that only celebrities or entertainers were prone to this disease. Later, I thought that Chinese students who came to the United States might have depression because they couldn’t adapt to studying and life in the United States. This time, facing this teen who has always been optimistic and cheerful in my eyes, an ABC (American Born Chinese) who grew up in the United States, I was knocked out by the shock.

So I went online to check the information and saw a set of scary numbers. According to the World Health Organization, there are 350 million people with depression in the world, and in China alone, there are nearly 100 million patients. More than 200,000 people commit suicide every year because of depression, and the demographic it affects is becoming younger. It is estimated that by 2020, depression may become the second largest disease in humans worldwide.
​
So, I recorded this interview with Jingjing and their mother. I hope that more children and parents can have a basic understanding of depressions symptoms and learn how to cope with them, and help them to get rid of the disease as soon as possible.
In the next issue, we will focus on how to treat depression, what parents, children, experts, and friends can do. I hope I can help you. I look forward to seeing you next time!
https://www.ximalaya.com/renwen/7129694/6867579
Chinese Description
在出第二期节目的时候,突然听闻中国80后创业明星茅侃侃在2018年1月25日结束了自己的生命,生前患有严重的抑郁症,看来抑郁症已经不能让我们所有人轻视,愿逝者安息,我们这期节目继续上期话题,看看抑郁重生的少女是如何走出低谷的,晶晶是怎样治疗抑郁症的,家长、孩子、专家、朋友及学校都分别能做些什么。希望我们的节目能对您有所帮助。期待下期与您再见!
​
English Description
While preparing the second episode, I suddenly heard that China’s post-80s entrepreneurial star Mao Kankan ended his life on January 25, 2018. He suffered from severe depression during his lifetime. It seems that we can no longer ignore depression. I hope that the deceased will rest in peace. Our program will continue the topic of the previous issue to see how the depressed and reborn teens get past their low point. How does Jingjing treat depression? What can parents, children, experts, friends and schools do? ​


Jing Jing is a queer intersectional feminist and a senior at Redmond High School. They are passionate about the intersections between art, activism, identity, and mental health. They spend their time creating art (visual, dance, theatre), writing, doing community service, and loving a lot of things very deeply.

Jing Jing's mother was born in China and moved to the US in 1996. She is a software engineer. 

Michelle Zou is the Founder and CEO at Pacific Technologies Consulting Group (PTCG), a Seattle based consulting and training company focusing on US-China cross border opportunities, helping American companies grow business in China and vice versa. She is a board director at Washington State China Relations Council, a trainer/consultant at Microsoft, executive coach, public speaker and radio host. Michelle publishes podcasts “In China with Michelle Zou” and “听Michelle讲述美国故事.” Prior to starting PTCG, Michelle has worked in Microsoft, HP, EMC and IDC.  She has an MBA and MS in finance.

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​Poetry
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​Issue#2 - Duality
Copyright © 2020 by It's Real Magazine. ​All Rights Reserved.
ISSN 2688-8335, United States Library of Congress.
publ. Bellevue, Washington.
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