Addressing Depression, Family Dysfunction, and Conflicts Mixed-Race Individuals Face in their Communities
Anonymous, Ana Chen
Anonymous, Ana Chen
Ana: Alright, so, what does mental health mean to you, and how has being an Asian American affected your views on mental health?
Anonymous: Mental health is *distorted* to me. And it’s very interesting because in my life, it’s a very Western phenomenon, you know, I very rarely encountered this idea of mental health when it comes to directly engaging within- with what it means to be Asian. But if I attached a “-American” to it, then yes, then mental health really comes into the forefront, and then people talk about it in this way, right. But, mental health has been very interesting because, while I certainly have very much struggled and I’m still struggling with it, I feel like it’s been a very much self journey within understanding how all these decisions and experiences I’ve really been able to gather within being on this earth, within being an Asian-American, with being mixed, and so forth, it just sort of made me better understand that. It just made me understand that it is vital, it is essential, and it is just as important and your physical health. And that is the biggest thing. If you do not have your mental health there, and proper, and understood, for yourself, how will your physical health be able to follow at all? So that’s really been, I guess, my best summary for what it means to me.
Ana: That’s awesome. And I totally agree with everything you said. Could you elaborate a little on your story- or as much as you want, about your story, with your mental health, and how you’ve come to realize these things?
Anonymous: Yes, so, I think my story is I think typical to many others, like specifically like I only can speak for East Asian-based American identities, right, where you have sort of like this immigrant based mindset, and you come from a mix of East Asian culture and you happen to be in the United States of America. And I think what was very interesting for me growing up was that you know I was always like “mental health was just never even discussed”. There was never a level even to approach it at all. And it was just very much like especially within an immigrant family, I saw this sort of mentality of survival, survival, survival, and a big push for accolades and success when it comes to what it means to live a good life as an Asian-American. And so, within that, it was I think referencing the other explanation as well, it was purely very much a work up to myself to realize, ‘hey I’m not happy’, or ‘hey, I’m really struggling with this’, or ‘hey, like what’s wrong with me’, really, and then to just like accept from there and understand that I have to have some autonomy within trying to tackle my mental health for myself. Because I think I can speak for many other Asian-Americans which is that we have actually no resource at home to be able to even talk about it or just.
Ana: Yeah, I totally agree with what you said, and the survival mindset, and the need to like accomplish as much as possible, I totally understand that pressure. So I was wondering if you could talk about some of the coping mechanisms you’d use, or whether being in college or being in education has changed your viewpoint on mental health. And if there was a specific moment that really inspired you to think more about your mental health, or just specific stories.
Anonymous: Yeah, totally, when I first entered university, I think first and foremost, I was still very much in the survival, success, and accolades mindset. I knew that I had literally no self-esteem and positive self-image at that point, and I very much was a function of me just sort of- I, frankly, being raised in an environment where I felt that was the only way where I could express myself, and my family was just really just *distorted* to accomplish. And so, when I first entered university, it was very much a zero-sums game of like, I had to appear in this way, I had to join top university clubs, I had to do everything. I couldn’t miss a class, I would get great grades. And it wasn’t even for a sense of praise from my family, it was more for like I just had no other idea how I was supposed to feel good about myself, if that makes sense. And so, then after that I realized, no, I’m miserable, I’m miserable, I’m miserable. I guess a lot of what I’m going to describe is just me sort of like stopping and being like “Why am I still sad?” and so forth. And so I realized that I had to sort of pivot and really just try to process for what exactly makes me feel whole, makes me feel better, makes me feel in the sense closer to what I’d want. Outside of all the craziness that has happened in my life, and how to really get there in college. And so that’s been the best way I can describe it. And I feel like now as a senior, I’m about to graduate, you know, what I’ve really witnessed and seen is that like right now in 2020, I do not care about these things. And I feel like that’s been the best sign of growth within my mental health journey. And there’s nothing wrong with still caring about these things, I just feel like accolades were only connected to a sense of self-worth, and now for me it’s more like I want to do something because I find it cool or interesting or fun and it took me a while to even get there in the beginning.
Ana: Yeah, that’s awesome. And I’m sorry that you don’t have a graduation, or that you had to leave senior year early. And I can relate to so much of what you said about college experiences and mental health. And I was wondering if you could elaborate on what it’s like to be a senior in COVID-19 and it’s kind of like pivoting the topic, but what has it been like to leave campus and whether you found a sense of closure or still haven’t.
Anonymous: You see, that’s very interesting, because I’m very very lucky and grateful. I feel like I-because I live not in campus housing, but not on campus housing, I was able to still be in the LA area, and I’ve been very very grateful as well, because I’m four years in, right, I think I’ve already established my sense of self and the people nearby who are there for me, right. So it actually wasn’t too terrible of a change, does it very much suck, yes, but, in the sense of how I would feel mentally, I actually feel like I’m in the best spot to have this happen to me, than not, actually, which is interesting. So, that’s actually very interesting and again I’m grateful to have food to eat, I’m grateful to be safe and to have a roof over my head, and right now I’m currently sort of quarantining on my own, but I do have like a roommate and so forth so I’ve been very thankful as well within that. And so has my mental health struggled? I think everyone’s mental health has struggled during this time frankly. It is a weird time for most humans, but I think the growth I was referencing earlier is what helped me the most to reach a better spot now. So even though this whole crazy thing is happening, I still think my sense of self is just better than how I was before.
Ana: So that’s really inspiring and I’m really glad that you’re safe, and I’ve-I was wondering if you could elaborate a bit more on what you said about having a sense of self, because you’ve mentioned throughout your college experience, and growing up in a household that didn’t really have a mental health resource.
Anonymous: Mental health is *distorted* to me. And it’s very interesting because in my life, it’s a very Western phenomenon, you know, I very rarely encountered this idea of mental health when it comes to directly engaging within- with what it means to be Asian. But if I attached a “-American” to it, then yes, then mental health really comes into the forefront, and then people talk about it in this way, right. But, mental health has been very interesting because, while I certainly have very much struggled and I’m still struggling with it, I feel like it’s been a very much self journey within understanding how all these decisions and experiences I’ve really been able to gather within being on this earth, within being an Asian-American, with being mixed, and so forth, it just sort of made me better understand that. It just made me understand that it is vital, it is essential, and it is just as important and your physical health. And that is the biggest thing. If you do not have your mental health there, and proper, and understood, for yourself, how will your physical health be able to follow at all? So that’s really been, I guess, my best summary for what it means to me.
Ana: That’s awesome. And I totally agree with everything you said. Could you elaborate a little on your story- or as much as you want, about your story, with your mental health, and how you’ve come to realize these things?
Anonymous: Yes, so, I think my story is I think typical to many others, like specifically like I only can speak for East Asian-based American identities, right, where you have sort of like this immigrant based mindset, and you come from a mix of East Asian culture and you happen to be in the United States of America. And I think what was very interesting for me growing up was that you know I was always like “mental health was just never even discussed”. There was never a level even to approach it at all. And it was just very much like especially within an immigrant family, I saw this sort of mentality of survival, survival, survival, and a big push for accolades and success when it comes to what it means to live a good life as an Asian-American. And so, within that, it was I think referencing the other explanation as well, it was purely very much a work up to myself to realize, ‘hey I’m not happy’, or ‘hey, I’m really struggling with this’, or ‘hey, like what’s wrong with me’, really, and then to just like accept from there and understand that I have to have some autonomy within trying to tackle my mental health for myself. Because I think I can speak for many other Asian-Americans which is that we have actually no resource at home to be able to even talk about it or just.
Ana: Yeah, I totally agree with what you said, and the survival mindset, and the need to like accomplish as much as possible, I totally understand that pressure. So I was wondering if you could talk about some of the coping mechanisms you’d use, or whether being in college or being in education has changed your viewpoint on mental health. And if there was a specific moment that really inspired you to think more about your mental health, or just specific stories.
Anonymous: Yeah, totally, when I first entered university, I think first and foremost, I was still very much in the survival, success, and accolades mindset. I knew that I had literally no self-esteem and positive self-image at that point, and I very much was a function of me just sort of- I, frankly, being raised in an environment where I felt that was the only way where I could express myself, and my family was just really just *distorted* to accomplish. And so, when I first entered university, it was very much a zero-sums game of like, I had to appear in this way, I had to join top university clubs, I had to do everything. I couldn’t miss a class, I would get great grades. And it wasn’t even for a sense of praise from my family, it was more for like I just had no other idea how I was supposed to feel good about myself, if that makes sense. And so, then after that I realized, no, I’m miserable, I’m miserable, I’m miserable. I guess a lot of what I’m going to describe is just me sort of like stopping and being like “Why am I still sad?” and so forth. And so I realized that I had to sort of pivot and really just try to process for what exactly makes me feel whole, makes me feel better, makes me feel in the sense closer to what I’d want. Outside of all the craziness that has happened in my life, and how to really get there in college. And so that’s been the best way I can describe it. And I feel like now as a senior, I’m about to graduate, you know, what I’ve really witnessed and seen is that like right now in 2020, I do not care about these things. And I feel like that’s been the best sign of growth within my mental health journey. And there’s nothing wrong with still caring about these things, I just feel like accolades were only connected to a sense of self-worth, and now for me it’s more like I want to do something because I find it cool or interesting or fun and it took me a while to even get there in the beginning.
Ana: Yeah, that’s awesome. And I’m sorry that you don’t have a graduation, or that you had to leave senior year early. And I can relate to so much of what you said about college experiences and mental health. And I was wondering if you could elaborate on what it’s like to be a senior in COVID-19 and it’s kind of like pivoting the topic, but what has it been like to leave campus and whether you found a sense of closure or still haven’t.
Anonymous: You see, that’s very interesting, because I’m very very lucky and grateful. I feel like I-because I live not in campus housing, but not on campus housing, I was able to still be in the LA area, and I’ve been very very grateful as well, because I’m four years in, right, I think I’ve already established my sense of self and the people nearby who are there for me, right. So it actually wasn’t too terrible of a change, does it very much suck, yes, but, in the sense of how I would feel mentally, I actually feel like I’m in the best spot to have this happen to me, than not, actually, which is interesting. So, that’s actually very interesting and again I’m grateful to have food to eat, I’m grateful to be safe and to have a roof over my head, and right now I’m currently sort of quarantining on my own, but I do have like a roommate and so forth so I’ve been very thankful as well within that. And so has my mental health struggled? I think everyone’s mental health has struggled during this time frankly. It is a weird time for most humans, but I think the growth I was referencing earlier is what helped me the most to reach a better spot now. So even though this whole crazy thing is happening, I still think my sense of self is just better than how I was before.
Ana: So that’s really inspiring and I’m really glad that you’re safe, and I’ve-I was wondering if you could elaborate a bit more on what you said about having a sense of self, because you’ve mentioned throughout your college experience, and growing up in a household that didn’t really have a mental health resource.
On behalf of It’s Real, we would like to thank this speaker for their time, words, and bravery!